1972


As 1971 rolled into 1972, I was busy dreaming of strange and unusual things. On a far away island where puncheons lined the shore, I found
a treasure chest of gold. Walking over to it, I began to examine each doubloon in that heavy crate. I thrust my two hands down to the xyloid mesh and pulled them out! Suddenly, there was a pirate ship on the horizon! Am I going to lose all this treasure, I wondered as the ship
sailed into port? I tried to pull the box out from the sand, but it felt as though it were cemented in. It was just too heavy.

In dreams time is shifty, uncertain and highly unpredictable.

I then grabbed a coin and scrambled! Upon doing so, I ran into Captain Bligh. "What in bloody hell do you think you're doing?" I am taking what's mine, I said. "You'll have to go through me sword first, now give it!" But
I refused to hand over the coin. You'll have to pry it out-a-me cold dead hands, I yelled in olde English brogue! "He's makin' tafts at me," he screamed out in a fit of complete rage!!! He unsheathed his sword and swung it as hard as he possibly could in my direction! I only felt it touch my neck. That was all it did. In reality, this would have completely removed my head from my shoulders, but it cut so clean, that it did no harm. "Consider that a warning" shouted the captain as he hastily slid his sword back into its black holster! Easy, said the old pirate, he's just a young squat. Let him be about, he said as he jerked his head in the direction I should go.

(((Then they saw the box)))

Now, there is going to be a very serious problem. "This is McGraffy's treasure. So this is where the bastard buried it! We have to shoot this little boolif!" A word which I've never heard before and am sure does not exist. Never veseeth in a quarrel, said the old man, spraying threads of spittle into the air and looking up toward the sky. Captain Bligh then fired his gun toward Heaven and said "now give yur cent up!" Are you hard-a-hearin'
or are ya just ugly, I said provokingly in the brogue I adopted. "You little tarrafact," he screamed as he once again withdrew his pirate sword!!! He brought it down hard through the base of my skull, and it exited through the pit of my loins. It only hurt for a second, then I woke up. As I looked down the impossible had happened. My hand was still wrapped around the coin! It seemed to have gotten smaller and lighter as it went from the land of dreams to the land of the living, but nevertheless, I had it! No one was ever going to believe this, unless, this too was a dream.

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As I slowly opened my hand, I could not wait to see what it was that I
had come back with! *It was a brown button* Carefully, I examined my pajamas and saw where the missing button had been pulled from. Aww, Goddamn it, I said so disheartened! I put it on my nightstand and then drifted away again. Within minutes, I was driving a car made of solid
gold on streets I knew like the back of my hand.

In reality, these streets only exist in dreams.

Harmony was chatting away with some long haired hippy guy in the back seat, and overall they seemed to be quite happy conversing. Even though he acted overly placid, like a monk. As I watched her run her fingers along the contours of his face, he seemed to be oblivious to her advances and simply stared out the side window. I asked them where they wanted to go, but they ignored me, as if they couldn't hear me, but there was no partition. I'm just going to keep driving, unless you tell me where you want to go. It's not fair what you're doing to me. As I looked at Harmony through the rear view mirror, I confessed to her my heart.

I don't understand what's going on here. I've always been nice to you, and you've always been nice back. If something's wrong we can fix it. They were now laughing at me, like I was a clown while inside, I was dying. Suddenly, the car was getting higher like it was on some kind of lift, and I immediately began to panic! We were now miles off the ground, and I did not know how to bring it back down. I had to hold the wheel steady and hope we wouldn't hit anything and topple! Harmony, I said terrified, but when I turned to look, they were gone. They must have gotten out of the car when we were still on the ground. I looked behind the seat to make sure, they weren't fooling around when I saw something on the floor. It was shimmering, but there was no light reflected from it. I reached over the seat to try and pick it up, but it was too far down. I then hunched over and strained my arm to reach it, when the floor gave out like a falling elevator!

Not a second too soon I thought with my fist tightly clenched while trying to maintain my balance, which now hinged solely on my lower abdominal muscles! As I brought myself back down into the driver's seat and swung around, I began to closely inspect the item which had now become old and tarnished. It was Harmony's peace ring. You don't remove something that is a part of you and leave it behind, unless you're done with it. Maybe she loves this guy and the little ring signifies the little boy she left behind. That's it, I'm being left behind. Why would she do that to me if I did nothing wrong? Or did I?

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Dreams are merely extensions of waking life. In life, everything has
a direct meaning. You press the button, the garage door opens. You release something from your hand, it succumbs to the laws of gravity. In life, normal things are usually as they seem. In dreams, however, things are not as they seem. The way I see it is that the subconscious mind is continually processing and reprocessing information. When we dream, this information is supplied to us in an array of puzzles. Some more obvious than others, but still, you can never take them for face value! Even if they appear to be showing you a direct meaning. Why? Because now, you are now dealing with emotions as well. Emotions sprawled out on an inviting canvas, as seen through an open door. All which comprise you! Anger, jealously, rage. You get the picture. Since we only use about ten percent of our brain, we cannot solve the mystery of these puzzles; but if we only could.

I just needed to figure out what I did wrong, so I could fix it. But that was never going to explain why she would do something like this to me. It had to be a warning! All of a sudden, the wheels must have hit a curb for the car jolted forward, and something snapped. Something big!!! It sounded like a gigantic metal rod just broke! Then, like in a slow moving nightmare, the car was coming straight down in a crowded parking lot! Oh God I screamed, don't do this to me, I'm only a kid!!! As the impact of bone collided with hardened asphalt, it felt like I was hit in the mouth by a baseball bat! With a bloody face and a broken tooth, I pulled myself off the hardwood floor and staggered into the bathroom. Blood running out
of my mouth and nose, all over my new cowboys & Indians pajamas.

Oh God I thought, no!!! I was now permanently disfigured, and she was going to hate me! I know she was. In my mind, I heard her say things like, "I don't want you in my house anymore, especially looking like that. Poor little freak-boy, no girl is going to ever want him now. Go back to your toys, I'm sorry I wasted my time with such a loser."

I was frightened as I thought of what awaited me tomorrow. I looked at the time on my new electric light blue flip clock, and it read 4:05. Every night as I lay in bed, I would look at my wall and see lighted shadows of automobiles passing by in the evening hours. If they came down my block and turned, I would see them. Strange shadows that glide across my darkened wall and ceiling. How eerie were these nocturnal adumbrations. They visit without ever stopping, before fading into obscurity and out. I crawled back into bed with my stomach churning and eventually managed to find some solace in sleep.

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I awoke Saturday morning to the sound of banging and found that my lip was pulsating. Mother quickly put some peroxide on a cotton ball and told me to hold it there. It fizzled and then it stung. "You're going out to see your friend today," she asked? Later, I said and went up to do some studying. I played with the broken tooth until it fell out. No big deal, It was lose anyway. Today was New Years day and my Grandparents were over. Drinking and telling stories and boasting. I was so angry and upset from that dream that I forfeited an entire Saturday, to isolate myself from the rest of the world. I could think of nothing better to do now than study.

At around 2:00 on a Sunday afternoon, I ventured from my house to traipse over there. No one was home, but something didn't feel right to me, and so I didn't stay. I came back an hour later and then an hour after that. She was home now, cause the lights were on, and so I knocked and waited patiently for her to open it. "What happened, did you lose your key?" No, I said in a very despondent tone, I wasn't sure if you had company. "You are the only company I keep. Clear?" I guess I said, not fully engaged in the conversation. In no way could I even look her in the eyes, I was so aggravated! After trying to evaluate my condition, she asked if someone had hurt me, realizing only now, that my upper lip was swollen. No, I said, but I'm not your boyfriend, so why should you care? With that final insult, she became furious and pulled me by the wrist into the living room where she sat me down on the couch.

"You have no idea what it is like to carry on a boyfriend and girlfriend relationship!" I looked her dead in the eyes and said in ultimate defiance, Show me! She shook her head very slowly as she moved back. So hurt, so wounded, but why? Was I that ugly? She always told me I was cute and handsome. Maybe she lied. Harmony just stood there looking at me, as if she were about to vomit. "You want to know what it's like?" She said in seething anger! "Then I will show you what it's like!!!" She then forcibly grabbed the lower half of my jaw, and brought her mouth over to where mine was. From there, I was given the most tender kiss a boy could ever hope to receive from a girl. Our mouths filled with passion; two hearts ensnared! The kiss lasted anywhere from two or three minutes and I never once made any attempt to pull away. When her lips pulled apart from mine, I saw the look she was giving me, and realized it was over. A look so detestable, I thought she was going to recoil and punch me in my mouth repeatedly, till she broke it. *The mouth she kissed me on*

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Like hurting me in such a way would be the only way, things ever had any chance of getting normal around here again. She hated me so much, but why? Because of the lover's kiss? Why couldn't she be attracted to me, like I was to her? As I looked into those burning, enraged eyes, my heart sunk. The fact that I had failed to win her over, and the fact that she now despised me and looked as though she might even kill me, took me to a place of such eloquent sorrow that I was beside myself. "Are you happy now? You can tell all your little friends at school you got a big, juicy kiss from the pretty woman across the street. I'll even wave to them if you want. . . Now get the fuck out of my house."

As I stood up, two tears fell in unison, and she knew at that moment, I was not going to betray her. As I reached for her hand and took hold of it in mine, I spoke from the deepest region of my heart, when I said in truth, "That was beautiful. I love you so much, Harmony. Thank you." As I stood there, gazing into the mirror of her soul, I spoke again. "I just want you to know how I feel for you as a person. How I feel for you so deep inside. Please, don't hate me for that." While tears poured out in separate streams, they formed into one at the bottom of my chin. There they struggled to hold on before falling to the floor. "If I was older, I would give you the world. I would never treat you bad, and I would protect you, always. I would even give you, my own soul."

As I spoke, it was almost like she was blown away. Whatever demon was standing in her place before was sent back to wherever it was it came from, and I was standing before Harmony again. Pouring out for her my feelings, as though it were my life's blood. Immediately, she embraced me and almost broke my ribs. "I am so sorry I reacted that way to you. I had a very bad experience with someone a long time ago who I once loved deeply. The way you just turned on me like that reminded me of him, that's all. Why did you do that for? Why did you change on me like that?" I had a dream that you were ignoring me. You were with a man, and then you left me in a very dangerous place, all alone by myself. "Anytime you have those dreams, come to me. Talk to me, okay?" Okay Harmony; I feel so dumb blaming you for something that happened in my dream, but if it wasn't for that bad dream, you never would have kissed me.

"The kiss never happened."

I gasped silently and moved back hitting the wall. It didn't? I uttered so bewildered and in shock that I wasn't really sure if we had actually kissed at all. I felt like a deer paralyzed in the headlights, not realizing the barrel of the gun was about to blow my heart into a million unrecognizable pieces. (((again))) So you're not my. . . I was going to say girlfriend, but I threw my hands up to my face and made some kind of terrific noise that must have startled Harmony for she immediately held me tight and would not release me. I was trembling like I had Bell's Palsy as Harmony whispered aloud, "I love you Charles, more than you should know and yes, we kissed and yes, I wanted to kiss you for some time now, but would never have brought myself to do it." Does that mean you're my girlfriend,  I exclaimed? "I am, but can you promise me you will not breathe a word
of what happens between us to anyone?" I promise. "The day you do, is the day I must say goodbye to you forever. Do you realize how serious this is?" I do, I said, like I would have said, had we been at the alter exchanging our vows together! "Okay, our lives are now in each others hands." *(And she smiled)* Harmony? "Hmmm?" I really love you more than anyone in this whole world. "As do I you" she replied, as a princess would have in the most beautiful of fairy tales!

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The order of life had been irreversibly changed! Together we altered each other's destiny to seal our own fate. In a recondite chapter of a non-written book lies a story that can never be told. My joy will be to live in the dream and partake of its glory, and besides, no one really needs to know such intimacies. I would lose too much time and Harmony would never understand. In addition to every gentle thing laced in secrecy one should always keep in mind, nothing lasts forever. There is no time to tell stories now. I have a woman who needs me by her side, and every waking moment that passes is undeniably hers.

From this day forward, when we sat down on the couch, she would put her arm around me and hold me close. I loved the feel of her warm embrace. How she touched and caressed my face and neck, and held my hand so lovingly. It was almost as if she had some kind of magic spell over me that made me subservient to her every whim. I was intoxicated, not only by her outward appearance, but by this inner quality she had that molded her into what she was! This aura of being that flowed from her and made me never want to leave her side. My parents had no idea whatsoever this was going on, for we cleverly enacted a scheme that I suggested to Harmony a few weeks later. She just improvised on it a bit.

Your younger brother has come to live with you, and he's in a wheelchair, therefor he cannot leave the house! It was a brilliant plan, and it worked like a charm. Now, I could even sleep over! My parents were too busy fighting to worry about whether or not their little boy would be sleeping with the beautiful young woman across the street, whose younger brother, we named Timmy, just so happens to be crippled.

It was like we had committed the perfect crime!

In the beginning, when I had first mentioned this to Harmony, she thought I had gone mad. That I could not possibly be serious. When she realized I was, in fact, dead serious, she told me, "I just want to lay this out for you nice and easy. It is on your head, if something should go wrong from this asinine stunt! Then I will be forced to kidnap you, and you will have ruined my life!" Later that evening she said to me, "You know what? Let's do it. I'll talk my way out of any trap you lead me into, and then I'll ravage you like a hungry wolf! Come here, lift up your shirt." She then proceeded to give me a hickey on the under part of my arm, which covered my armpit. As long as you keep your arm down, your parents will not see it. Whenever my cousins get a new boyfriend, I see these marks. What do they mean? "It, means you're mine. You belong to me." Since Harmony had recently decided she would be taking an indefinite leave from her brother's antique store, all time would be devoted to me! I wasn't worried in the slightest about my parents wanting to eventually meet Timmy, for they weren't interested in anyone or anything but themselves.

Aside from them being two workaholics who were never home, when
they finally got home they were ultimately exhausted. But nonetheless, they were never too tired to fight. Apart from all this they had more pressing issues to attend to. Utility bills. The mortgage. Homeowner's insurance. Car insurance. Property tax. The car when it broke down, and it broke down a lot. Food & clothing expenses, not to mention health insurance! So I didn't think they would be breaking down Harmony's door
to rush me home for TV dinner!

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If they could save a dollar here and there, then they would do it, and besides, those damn dinners were worse than hospital food anyway! My mom and dad thanked Harmony on more than one occasion for watching me and cooking for me, and she always marveled to them about how well behaved I was! They even offered to pay her, handsomely on several occasions for the service, but she flatly refused!

These are all the scribbled notes I have collected from those years. Pages once part of a journal. Now keep in mind that the memories
I have stored away from this period of time are sketchy and faded. Sadly, they are held together with only tears, and I am adding life
to them as we go along.

It was Sunday, January 16th, and the temperature had continued to fall. Yesterday we had a high of 32 degrees, while today would reach a high of only 12. As we sat side by side on the couch, her arms wrapped around me, holding me tight, I was desperately trying to think of something to say. Then, the wind blew and the vent cover to the kitchen wall fan started to make that familiar tapping sound. For no apparent reason whatsoever, I gently took her hand and began licking ever so gently the tips of her fingers, starting with the pinky and working my way down to her index finger. She sounded as if she was going into shock as she said to me in a shaky and trembling voice. "You have no---idea---what you---are doing to me." I looked at the palm of her hand and began licking and kissing it. All those gorgeous fingers, I thought, and it did something to my body that had not yet been explained to me. I then put her thumb in my mouth, and she went crazy! She started kissing my neck and mouth, as if she had the fever! All sloppy and wet and I loved it! I embraced her and we consummated our love. This went on until November, 1974.

A day in my life which tragically came to be known as "Dark Monday." I wrote it upon my wall, as though I were possessed by demons. A day so terrible it would change the course of my life forever, but in '72 everything was calm and peaceful for the storm,
which was yet to come was now not even a whisper.

As we got closer to one another, Harmony would cook for me regularly and even help me with my homework. She asked me what my favorite food was, and what I would like her to buy from the store. I said to her, whatever you eat, I will eat, and I always did.

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Even when she bought that awful okra and Brussel sprouts. Oh, and lest we forget, those revolting turnips that made my stomach churn with nausea beyond compare! Turnips, I would not have eaten for anyone! I did it as a labor of love and would continue doing it. As I grew accustomed to eating them, I also got used to the nauseating discomfort they produced. The thought of having to eat them or risk losing Harmony, was the formation of my neurosis. In my head, I was sure if you were to disassemble the female brain, you would find the part in there that loves it when a man is agreeable and does everything he is supposed to do. The same applies to foods put in front of him? If a man eats everything with no complaints, how can he be criticized? Little kids complain and gripe about everything but a man must eat everything he is served!

Harmony often said that one day I was going to make some lucky
lady a wonderful husband, and I always thought she meant her.

Come to think of it, I do remember a few things I told her to pick up from the store. Taco chips, when they were made correctly. Quisp cereal, with the little pink Martian on the blue box, and those beer nuts! I had to have 'em!!! I knew about them because up until about 1970, I used to hang around with my father when he frequented the local gin mills. He'd order me a soda on tap, and I would sit next to him on the barstool nibbling away on an unlimited supply of those coated peanuts!

"You got it," she said, like a vixen who had just stolen my heart and had no intention of ever giving it back! "I'll make a mental note of it for the next time I go. Is there anything else I can get for you?" No that's it, thanks! Whenever I wanted them, Harmony made sure to personally hand feed me each one! Even when I didn't want them, I would request them anyway. How delicately she would place each one in my mouth and watch, so intensely, as my tongue took the peanut from the tips of her enticing fingers. She always made sure to roll the peanut around on her thumb and forefinger, so I had more to lick and savor! After this she sometimes caressed my back, then I, her breasts. She allowed me to feast on them and told me it was all a learning experience. In return, I allowed her access to every part of my body. She even touched me deep in the forbidden region, where hesitation brings delight to fulfillment.

What an exquisite woman you are indeed my love,
for whom no man could ever be worthy.

Harmony and I were always happy, unlike my parents who were always miserable. That was probably because they both felt equally responsible for having me and seemed as though they had some moral obligation to stay married. "First one up the stairs gets to undress the other!" With
that she ran up the stairs, and I chased after her with my heart all aglow!
"I win, you're all mine!" I looked around the room in awe of what I saw.

Up until this moment in time I was forbidden to enter Harmony's room. I was told only once, and she made me swear upon our love,
I would not enter until the time was right. I kept my promise to her because a man must live by his word. If he cannot, then he is not a man.

For starters, there was a fully enclosed tent bed, which was so
elaborately adorned that it looked like a room inside a room! Next to
this was a slender cheval mirror and a beautifully crafted Elizabethan chair. "Do you like my room?" she asked buoyantly! I told her I loved it,
and in all honestly I really did! Like an actress from the roaring twenties,
she responded by saying with her lips pursed and her head held high,
"I am merely a collector of wares!"

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Hastily, she ran her hands under my shirt before pulling it up and over my head. She then began to remove my clothing, and it wasn't long after this that we explored the boundaries of each other. And who should care? It was my right, to want and to need this woman. To hold such a precious gift in my arms without wavering. Hell, I didn't falter in the slightest. Just because I was young didn't mean I didn't have a brain. Nor did it mean I didn't deserve her! Okay your right, I didn't deserve her, for I could never be that worthy, and besides, if I wasn't worthy, how could anyone in their right mind even think for one second, that they, could possibly be worthy? Just because one has money doesn't mean one is worthy! For them, it would be like laying claim to a magnificent trophy. 

She was not an object, but rather an angel in the form of a woman who came to bless my world. That is how I saw it. I'm pretty sure that if God judges people based on the love and respect, they hold dear to one another, then it is safe to say that we would be revered by the conscience of our own two hearts beating in a passionate and loving embrace. Not as an act of sin, but rather as a gift of purest love to one another. Here in a timeless void of such intensity, we were endeared to each other as we adhered to the promises we made, honoring the will to grant wishes in the form of all human compassion. This was our will. Her's to love and care for me, and mine, that I may offer myself unto her. To please her above all things and to honor and adore her without end. My gift was pure, for deep down, inside this frail little body was the consolation of a lifetime promise. And who is the stranger in the shadows to condemn? Do you know me, that you seek to bring me pain? Who are you to say what is right and what is wrong for me? Guide yourself in your own affairs and surely you will find your own faults, but most importantly, keep your distance for your laws do not apply in our world. "Never speak vile about love, my darling," she once told me. "Be a man without being the animal man wishes to become." In the end, I would make it my life's work.

On occasion, she would dance for me like a harem doll to songs like "Mindrocker" by Fenwyck. "Baby, it's real" by Curt Boettcher or
"Catch the wind" by Donovan, which just so happened to be her
favorite. Whenever she danced, I simply could not take my eyes off her! Sometimes, when she listened to her Indian music, Harmony would dress up for me in those adoring outfits of hers! The multicolored saris, the crepe kameez, or my favorite, the tangerine ghagra choli. What really
drove me wild was when she wore that bindi on her forehead! When I
first saw it, I asked her if it hurt. She laughed and replied, "what do you
think, it's drilled in?" I then imagined my mother wearing it and exploded
in laughter!!! During the day, she would wear either her chiffon kurta,
the plain beige churidar or a traditional Western outfit that any typical American young lady would find fashionable. Yes, I secretly took down the names of all these outfits over a period of time, and when I got home, I'd transcribe them to my journal, otherwise, I would never have been able to remember them all!

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The one thing that really fascinated me about Harmony, was that she wasn't overly Americanized. This country had not changed her. She knew who she was, and she wasn't afraid to show it. Yes, Harmony still believed in the customs of her people, and for her parents, she had nothing but the utmost praise and devotion. Anything they asked of her would instantly
be recognized, and if she gave her word on something, you could rest assured it would be fulfilled. When she was in a playful mood, she would put a record on the turntable and direct the lyrics at me. Taunting and teasing, she would point her finger at me as she winked and smiled, so coquettishly seductive, luring me to become one with her. I did not believe in being a slave unto society's ways, and so I did things my own way. The way they needed to be done. Anyone who has a chance to fall
in love should take the time and do so. To me, I could find no harm in it,
for I was truly smitten! As a woman, she had no faults and was perfect in every aspect of her being. Every woman it seems, has some denotable flaw; Harmony had none.

A woman that perfect should never have graced the earth,
but I, was deemed worthy by some cosmic star.

Harmony often said that in a perfect relationship the man had to be intuitive and hear the woman or the relationship would fail. When she told me her likes and dislikes, I remembered them and never had to write them down. When she talked, I never interrupted her and most important of all, when a notable day comes around like your sweetheart's birthday (which is a given) or your anniversary, it is imperative that you observe and comply! Tattoo it on your wrist if need be, because you absolutely cannot forget this day, or it hurts them beyond repair and a mild resentment is formed.
If it starts early, it will most certainly end early, and even more important
than anything else, never, ever be afraid to say "I love you." It is the quintessential most important phrase on the planet. "Don't say it if you don't mean it!" I was in an advanced class at the time, so I caught on quickly. Everything I did, magically seemed to impress her and the
more points I scored, the more lovin' I received in return!
It was an utterly flawless relationship.

Even though we had to hide our love away.

Knowing that Harmony's birthday was coming up in two weeks, I asked my cousin Gloria for some advice. When a man loves a woman, what should he buy for her birthday that is guaranteed to please her? "Are you asking me this because you found a girlfriend?" No, this is not about me. A man and a woman. "Well, then that depends" she said. On what? "On whether or not they had sex." With that my cousin Patty screamed, Gloria! Are you an asshole? Don't tell him that! I then replied, after, and she gave me one of those mother/son looks before asking me nervously. "Please don't tell me you dipped your wick at school." I didn't dip. . . What? "Never mind, I'm sorry. If this person is an adult, and if it was after the fact, then he should by all means buy her a box of long stemmed roses. Why," said my cousin loudly, deliberately trying to instigate a response from my cousin Patty? "Are you having sex with girls?" Glo-ri-a!
You're fucked up, I'm telling mommy. Thanks, I said coolly and began
to leave. "The guy better remember to get her a nice card, or he's gonna
be using his left hand for awhile!" What the fuck are you stupid,
screamed Patty furiously!!!

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