1972


My cousins were always fighting with one another. Sometimes when Harmony wasn't around, I would go to their house and listen to them bicker. Even my youngest cousin Roberta would throw in a few words every now and then to break balls. You know, turn one against the other and see who wins! At that point, my Aunt Paula would usually wind up having to jump in and separate them before it got bloody. Thanks Glor I said, as I strolled out of the house with a renewed sense of confidence!

Immediately, I headed home and used the allowance money I saved up over the past several months. After doing this, I hurried into town to the stationary store and picked out the most beautiful card, I could possibly find with the most meaning inside. This took almost an hour, for I went through over forty cards looking for the perfect one with just the right degree of sentiment inscribed. You should have seen the look I received from the cashier! Knowing I didn't have to explain myself, I decided I would anyway. My dad's working late tonight and my mom's birthday is tomorrow. He always forgets. On my way out I heard the old lady say to herself, "what a sweet little boy." I then said to a lady walking by with a stroller "that came from a woman who was born before there was music!" She smiled very strangely and had absolutely no idea what the hell I was talking about!!!

As I turned and walked down the other side of the block, I paused to read the messages spray painted on the white brick wall. "Voice of the ghetto" it read along with "Join the Black Panthers" "It's time for a revolution" and "Our nation is uprising." I loved reading graffiti on walls when it was an intended statement and not a vile defamation meant to harm. Clearly, it was a sign of the times and we couldn't tell if it was slowly getting better or slowly getting worse. Summer would arrive with a vengeance and fire hydrants would soon be opened throughout the city. Where children less fortunate than myself could cool their heels and try not to harbor so much animosity toward those who were born to better households. I examined the birthday card before becoming aware of the implications which may arise should anyone get wind of what I'm doing. I will not write anything on it until the appropriate time calls for me to do so.

This card I hid well by taping it to the underside of my bedroom chair!

Back then, parents weren't worried about their children disappearing. Everyone knew each other and the island was a nice place to grow up in. Besides, the store was right around the corner. Every time my mother strolled into my room unannounced, I got this clenching feeling inside
my chest that wouldn't quit. It wasn't butterflies, it was more along the
line of two bears fighting! She never caught on to it though, that I was hiding something big!!!

Soon it was Saturday, June 10th, and I was home with my parents. The high for today would only reach 49 degrees, breaking an all time record
for this day. I kept a small journal of weather related facts and changes
that occurred in the city from this year to that of my darkest hour, when nothing would matter anymore. I was scouring through the yellow pages for a reputable florist and was in the process of copying the name and number down when I heard someone making their ascent up the stairs!
It was my father! Hide everything quick!!! Back then we had a cute little thing called telephone exchange names that were applied to each given district. This made it easier to remember someone's phone number on the rotary dial phone, such as ELgin 1- etc. When he went back downstairs,
I went into my parent's room again and inconspicuously dialed the number. Hello, said the voice on the other line, how may I help you?
"Yes, I was just wondering how much a box of long stemmed rose's costs." You want a dozen? "Uh-huh" You're in luck because they're
on sale this month for twelve fifty. If you need them in a vase that'll
be fourteen even. "Thank you so much." Wow I thought,
roses are expensive!!!

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The time read 5:20 on my parent's bedroom alarm clock as I lay the
bright red telephone receiver back in its cradle. I then went downstairs
and said I was going over to Timmy's house. Be careful and watch both ways shouted Mother from the dining room table she was cleaning. "Yeah-yeah, I know!" As I left the house gently closing the screen
door behind me, I was greeted by an old friend! It was Mugsy! A neighborhood dog I remember, since before I was even born. He was always around like a good luck charm, and whenever he strolled by, I played with him, and he licked my face. Mugsy was part Boxer and part something else. No one ever really knew, and if they knew, they didn't tell anyone else! I wish I could take you in old boy, but I know you belong to someone and I would hate for them to worry about you not coming home at night. I knew he was being properly taken care of, or how else would one be able to explain what immaculate condition he was in? I patted him gently on the head and told him to come back tomorrow if he wanted food. He happily pranced away before stopping and turning to look back at me. "I promise," I said and that must have dispelled any suspicion the dog had of me telling him a fib!

As I got to the side door, I went to use my key but found the door was open. It didn't look like there was anyone home, so I walked into the living room and saw Harmony was sound asleep on the couch. I curled up next to her, and she instinctively cradled me in her arms. I then fell asleep alongside her.

She woke me at 7:30 by massaging my neck and shoulder area. From there she went on to work out all the kinks in my back. How I loved it when she did that! She then said that dinner was ready and escorted me into the kitchen. "Your mom called while you were sleeping. I told her you were upstairs playing." I walked over to the table where I sat down and waited for Harmony. In a tired manner I yawned, holding my hand on my mouth as to not be impolite. In a way, I was still half asleep and in somewhat of
a dreamlike state. What is that? I asked curiously, smelling the thick rich broth of a partially congealed amalgamation. "Mulligatawny Soup. Don't sit down, c'mere, I want you to tell me what you think of it." As I walked over to the stove, I didn't know what to make of it but it sure smelled good! She quickly plunked her finger into the mildly simmering pot of thick, yellowy soup. "Ready?" Yes. She then put her finger into my
mouth and pulled it out slowly. "How is it?" I'm not sure what I like
better, the soup or the finger! "Hmmm, then I guess we'll have to try it again, won't we?" She was now smiling so exuberantly that I could see only the top row of her sparkling white teeth! She then dipped two
fingers in and took them out as the condensed liquid ran down her wrist. This time, however, I could see by the expression Harmony exhibited that she had gotten stung by some of that goopy broth. As she put those two hot fingers into my mouth, I took hold of her hand and could not stop seducing them with my tongue! "Easy, you're going into a frenzy!" she said giggling loudly as I twisted my little serpent tongue around her index finger like it was the rod of Asclepius! I can't help it, I said in my ecstatic fervor, everything tastes so good on you. She threw her head down hard and fast and for a moment, her long hair covered my face. "That is by far the strangest thing you have ever said to me!"

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Before we sat down to eat, Harmony dimmed the lights and lit a candle that was situated in the middle of the table. Wait she stressed, give me your hands. She told me to close my eyes, and together we gave thanks unto the Lord for what we had. As we ate, Harmony spoke of all the places she wished to visit in the world. "I can wait until I'm thirty to see them," she said with eyes piercing. As if to say, don't make me wait ten years
if you are going to have other plans then.

I realized, I hadn't been saying anything for awhile and jumped in. I would go with you tonight if you took me. "Let's say for argument's sake I did, then what?" Then we just go! "We're just going to up and leave like two animals without even saying goodbye? Then what?" I could call them in a week or two and let them know I'm okay. "What about school or will you just stop going? You didn't think of that did you?" There's schools in every state. I'm sure we could find one for me to go to. "You're a miss-ing per-son!" Then you could teach me! I learn more with you than I do with those asshole teachers anyway! Watch your mouth, she said calmly while analyzing me at a respectable distance, as if trying to separate the man from the boy. I'm sorry, I'd just rather be with you than them. "That's not the point!" The conversation was now becoming serious. I don't care about them, I only care about you! Why can't you see that? "I do and it frightens me." Why? "Because if I ever did something like that - to your parents, I would deserve to go to jail for the rest of my life!" She spoke
as though I should have kept my mouth shut from the start. There are some things that should never be spoken aloud and this was one of them, but I was stupid I guess for I kept riding it.

Imagine if there was a place we could go to and everybody accepted us
as we were. We could be free there! We could kiss in public and there'd be other people like us there too! "There was a place like that, once" she said, looking down into her bowl of soup and getting lost in it. What happened? She threw her eyes at me like a locked and loaded shotgun. "God destroyed it!!!" She then, sprung up quickly and walked over to
the sink where she stood for some time. So shocked was I at the way she reacted, I just sat there. I have to be very careful what I say from now on. How a couple of words thrown in either too soon or not soon enough can alter a whole relationship was baffling! She was now either dwelling upon how dumb I was to be thinking like that, or wondering how she got herself entwined in this mess in the first place. I thought about walking over to her and putting my arms around her waist, but was afraid she would swing around and strike me. I'm sorry, I said again, this time with all sincerity. There was no answer for a while, and then she spoke to me indirectly through the window. . . "You should be."

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I decided to keep quiet for awhile until she shook whatever it was she was going through. She then unveiled the Chicken Tikka Masala and made like the whole thing never even happened. This was served on a bed of rice that I assume now was Basmati, but who can really say? I'm going back a long, long time. If I tried to tell you how delicious this meal was, I would surely fall short. It was so tender, so succulent that it practically melted in my mouth! Everything you cook is fantastic, I shouted in my ebullience! "You're just saying that cause you love me." She spoke the words like she was putting on a dressing gown, while trying not to be overly seductive.

Sunday morning, June 11th, I awoke to my mother yelling "rise and shine
I made pancakes!" Where's dad, I asked? "Don't know, don't care." After breakfast, I announced I was going across the street. "You better bundle up because it's cold outside!" It turns out that today is even colder than yesterday with a high of only 46 degrees! Now that's cold for June!!! Who could possibly know that on this exact same day next year, the entire city would be caught in the grip of a powerful heat wave? The temperature for this day next year would hit 95 degrees! I knew this not only because I was a weather buff, but because me and Harmony watched the four o'clock movie together in the comfort of the central AC. We cuddled up together on that couch with very little clothes on until it was time for dinner. How amorous and true was the veneration of our windswept love!

All the scribbled writings from that period of time have been
adjusted and recomposed for this book. How we used to dote
on each other hand and foot. . . God, how I adored her.

Mom preferred me being over there when the heat index, or the actual air temperature topped out at over ninety degrees. She said I could stay there as long as I didn't wear out my welcome and why should we all die from heat exhaustion if we don't have to? Thanks ma, you're the greatest!!!

☼ As I can barely make out on the next page, we broke a record the following day as well. From what I could see here it was a Tuesday,
June 12, 1973, and I was with Harmony after school. We were celebrating her birthday together when her family arrived very unexpectedly. "Oh my God, my family is here! Quick, you have to go! Out the side door and
wait until they're all inside." At first I thought she was fooling around,
but when I realized the joke was on me, I was hurt beyond words.
I could not understand why she was still so ashamed of me.
So I was young, that doesn't make me a leper!

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Why can't we all just live, if that is the way we are truly happy? Why should a country dictate how two human beings choose to live their lives? Shouldn't it be their choice? Even falling in love has to come with an age requirement. One day perhaps I will understand this, but for the time
being I was distraught.

Obediently, I waited with my back pressed tightly against the sandy textured exterior of her impressive home. I could now hear them laughing inside while speaking so fluently in another tongue. Maybe if I was Spanish or spoke Gujarati, they would embrace me. No, they would still scorn me. As I listened to them, I could hear Harmony laughing and clapping, and from what I could tell, she sounded happier now than when I was with her. As I forced myself across the street that day, it felt like I had just been lobotomized. I was wrestling with the anguish that burned inside of me, while at the same time, I was trying desperately to hold back an insatiable urge to just burst out in tears. I'll admit, my emotions were a bit confused, but deep down I knew, men aren't supposed to cry.

As I entered in through the back door, I was met with a rush of hot air.
It was stifling in there, like I had walked into an oven. Since we lived in
a duplex apartment, that whole side of the house had no windows and because of this, the air never circulated well. I walked through the kitchen to the bathroom which was located by the rear entrance and  looked at myself in the mirror like, I was confronting a bully in the school cafeteria.
I spoke in a very calm and mildly assertive tone which among other children would have implied an immediate, almost certain danger. "If I
lose Harmony because of you, I swear to God, I will kill you." I then went
up to my room where I waited in torment for four solid hours. Trying to be a man and not cry was a lot harder than I thought, so I figured I might as well just let it out and be done with it. No one would ever know, and so it really didn't matter much. Being up there, alone to myself until Mother arrived at 6:30 was like being in a part of Hell I never again wished to revisit. Not knowing that I would one day have to live in it forever.

At eight O'clock sharp her family left, and so I walked down the retro orange staircase to find my mother watching a television program alone,
as usual. She was startled to see me, and I was sweating rather profusely.
I said I had returned for some things, and mom looked at me very confused. She knew I'd been in the house, since she got home and that something was wrong. She also knew that "getting a few things" didn't mean leaving the house with nothing in your possession! God, I am so fucking stupid!!! As I came out of my house, the outside air provided no relief whatsoever. I could almost feel my mother's eyes burning a hole through my skin as I hurried across the street. I don't know how or why, but I knew she was watching me from that living room window! She had that look of utter suspicion etched on her face, and I couldn't erase that image from my mind! Now she was thinking, and there is nothing worse than when a mother begins to think. Not that she was a problem solver or anything so dire as that, thank God!!! I just didn't want her to concern herself in matters that did not welcome her concern. I checked by looking in first, just to make sure no one stayed behind and saw Harmony alone washing dishes. Lucky for the recessed alcove and the streetlight that had blinked off as I was coming down the stairs or the problem would be even more compounded. The door was unlocked so I entered. "Please forgive me for making you leave like that but our love has to remain a secret." It's okay, I said still feeling numb and slightly confused. She then hugged me as tight as she could for almost five minutes. As she rubbed my back in a slow gentle motion, I didn't think I would be able to let go.

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That night, as we watched the news, the weatherman said we hit 93 degrees in central park! That whole week I was allowed to sleep over
and mom drove me up to the station as she did each morning.

Not to worry, Harmony always made sure I was ready on time! ☼

✫ I will never forget April 22nd, Easter Sunday. It was a comfortable afternoon with the temperature peaking near or around the 80 degree mark, and I was finishing up a lamb dinner cooked to perfection with my parents. My grandparents on both sides were over and everybody was getting along just swell. The mint jelly that had graced the table in a white ramekin was all but gone as I lay my utensils down beside the plate.

I was stuffed to the gills and if my grandmother on my mother's side dared to put that very last sweet potato on my plate as she's been prone to do, I would have hurled it with all my might at the wall!

How I hated those fucking things!!!

Orange yams (or) candy yams or whatever the hell they're called should be left in the ground where they belong. Luckily, Harmony never took a liking to them. As my grandfather on my mother's side begins puffing on his pipe, my grandmother on my father's side begins to talk to my mother about a new line of clothing at Macy's. With this, my father begins talking to his father about being the last of the Pinkerton detectives and how close he came to being gunned down in the late 60's. Yes, it was only a few years ago, but back then everything seemed so nostalgic. As the smell of Argosy Black encircles the air, my mind becomes filled with thoughts and I cease to hear part of the conversation. Just then the bell chimes and my grandmother on my mother's side who is closest to the door abruptly answers it. . . It's Harmony!

Not that I really wanted to leave, but I'll be damned
if anyone's going to stop me now!!!

"I was just wondering if you'd like to ride with me" she shouted with an enormous grin that melted my entire heart and made me ever so weak. (((Ride meaning bike ride.))) Would I ever, I said like some delighted kid from the 1950's in cinema town! "Well, you better get moving" said my dad and I got the uncomfortable feeling he knew exactly what was going on between us. I jumped up from my chair and bolted from the house! Don't you say goodbye to anyone, said my mother while grampa shouted at the direction of the door, "go and have fun!"

As I made my way to the iron shed and slid the doors open, I gently wheeled out my Schwinn Manta Ray. It was orange like those yams I hated, but this bike I absolutely adored! With a fat banana seat that people of today would call queer, and brakes that could only be activated by jamming down hard on the pedal, I was ready to conquer the world! Harmony hopped on her teak colored ten speed and I was ahead of her
in no time flat. When she got alongside me, I always remained next to
her and would never excel further.

While we were passing Herman Street down New Dorp beach near the race track, a dark grey car pulls up. Oh no I thought, it's the Torre brothers. Three guys who were almost always getting laid were now fueling up with Pabst blue ribbon beer. The other two were just neighborhood punks who smoke and drank in the vacant lot that would later become a park. "Hey baby, show us your stuff!" said Joey from behind the wheel of his 1969 Chevrolet Biscayne. Yeah come on, give us a little taste of Heaven!" Harmony threw up her middle finger, and they sped in reverse to try and impress her. Thankfully, a Weissglass milk truck came up the block to thwart their advances! A vehicle that can only be described as something which resembled a Hornstra milk truck though a bit more narrow in size. As we sped down the road you could hear that Biscayne screeching off into the distance, and I thought to myself quietly, "we've come a long way since the velocipede!" ✫

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Finally, it was Monday and her birthday was here. I came home from school and called to place the order. I had the flowers delivered a block over to room 4D in the apartment complex down the street, as not to arouse any suspicion. I tried to be as inconspicuous as possible as I waited by the elevator near the narrow door where people disposed of their garbage. Of course, I had to be seen by someone. That was an inevitable part of life, and so I nodded to the old gent who nonchalantly carried his bag of trash to the incinerator chute. "Can I help you with something?" he asked while closing the narrow door to that small closet-like room. No thanks, I'm just waiting for my girlfriend to come out. "Can't have too many of them now can we," he bolstered, before making the sign of the pistol and going clik-clik! After almost thirty minutes of waiting, the deliveryman walked out of the elevator, and I was right there to meet him. I paid for the flowers and gave him a small tip before exiting the building. From there I shuffled over to the house of my lover and placed the long, slender box upon the counter where I waited for her to arrive. As she entered, Harmony was overwhelmed by my gift! More so, that I did it all on my own. I felt proud, but most of all honored to be cared for by someone so lovely and charming. That the very thought just seeing her made me tremble with joy! On that night, she bestowed me the nickname, "Little Prince." I knew that it was going take years to mold me into the kind of man her heart required.

"I can do this baby; I just need some time to grow!"

I told her I wanted to experience everything there was to know and understand about love, but most of all, I wanted to make out with her in the lair of the shadow dwellers, as Harmony called it. Please I entreated, take me with you when you go there, but when I said this, she looked at me with such conviction, before telling me I had to wait. "When you become of age you will see that world, I promise. And in there, I will be the one to show you the meaning of true paradise." However, I did not want to wait, I wanted to experience it now, but she outright refused. "Aside from not being mentally prepared, you are far too young to see that world, and I would be a monster if anything were to go wrong! When you become a man, I promise to take you there and no sooner." We then looked into each other's eyes where our lips met.

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In my mind, I think I just wanted to bond with her more than anything else. To become that one union of love. That rare sacred joining, which defies all logic to mesmerize the heart and keep one locked in its hypnotic spell. An inseparable banding together of two human beings in the most precious of ways. Any mortal who could find even a blemish of impurity in the love we shared would have to be a sinner looking for redemption in the eyes of Almighty God. Within the sanctity of all we embraced, I wanted to create something so fantastic, so real that it might move even the most divine spirit and fuse our very souls together forever. Aside from this intense craving, that would only become more prevalent as time moved on, I wanted to be able to please her for hours upon hours on end. I needed
to be her right hand man. Her personal property so to speak. I wanted to belong to her, even if it meant becoming a slave unto her for I could no longer exist without seeing her. All for the one hope, that in return she would not stray from me, but love me without end. I wanted the very thought of me leaving to produce such inner fears and torments that she would not be able to live without me. To yearn for me as I have yearned for her for so long. To panic when I am not there. When the very thought of me leaving becomes inconceivable.

But something went awry in the process.
An ingredient fell into the mix which changed the chemistry
of the whole equation. Now, instead of creating a form of paradise,
a batch of pure madness would be concocted,
and heaven help the one who drinks from that cup.
That is the cup of anguish and bitter sorrows. . .
It was not meant for mortal man.

Something fell outside, it sounded like a rake.

What was once so pure and precious was now turning.
I could not see this however, for I was enveloped in passion.
As we kissed and hugged on the couch and on the rug, I found
two silver eyes peering in at us. So calculating in his approach
was he, ever watching our every move in fine detail.

So warm and loving was she in the heat of passion I could have almost cried. How could something this beautiful even happen? Indeed, I had been blessed above all men to partake in the feast of kings! As I ran my tongue along the moist folds of her love, she writhed like an exquisite doll. I loved loving her and had absolutely no compunction of stopping until she was at peace with her emotions.

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I parted the folds of her skin and put my lips to her soft puffy flesh as
if it were a more gentle, more loving mouth. I then gave it an adoring French kiss. Halfway through this delightfully sensuous kiss, I could taste all of my honey's sweetness! She screamed into her hand, and it sounded like she was being murdered. Suddenly, she quivered and bucked as I brought her to fulfillment where my cup runneth over.

In truth, I drank from that cup, and I never looked back.
Therefor I never knew what had begun to take shape in the dark region known as despair. An ill wind began brewing and heaven help the soul left stranded by the river's edge. . . It is so cold and lonely there, my eyes begin to water at the mere thought of it.
There in that wretched place of all forlornness, the mighty
angels who circle above will not circle above it.

Afterwards, when all was quiet, I lifted my head from the most sacred
of all human places and placed it upon her belly. I couldn't really tell,
but the way her stomach was now quivering, I thought she might very
well be laughing. She cradled me in her arms and began to cry as she
talked to God in her native tongue. Why was my lover so sad and what have I done to upset her so? I deviated from the plan. I changed something that should not have been changed. I had not done it exactly
the way she had anticipated it would be, and now I have ruined everything!

Why was I so stupid?
What the hell was wrong with me?
Never change the plan!!!

As I turned my head to look at her, she was borderline hysterical.
It was my very first time doing that, (fellating) so of course I wasn't expecting it to be perfect, but I did somehow think she was overreacting. She is going to get rid of me, I thought. I am a terrible lover and cannot please the only one on earth, I long to satisfy! I hate myself! I hate myself so much, and now I don't know what to do. I felt this abominable pain in the pit of my stomach, and it seemed to run straight into the bowels of
my very soul. I couldn't hold my sadness in, and so I began to tremble
and broke down and cried as well. I was so hurt by her disappointment, because I believed I did so well. That figures, anything that comes
that easy is bound to be wrong.

I didn't know what else to do, I was only nine.

Upon seeing this, she pulls me by my arms along her wet body until we were face to face with each other. "No, baby no, you don't understand. You were wonderful. The best I ever had." Then why do you look so unhappy, I said sniveling, and why are we crying? "I'm crying because
I'm happy. Because I love you so much, and I'm not sure what I am going
to do when you grow older and tire of me." Now covering her face and crying inconsolably. Please don't cry! You're not going to lose me!!!

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I cried hysterically for almost ten minutes and Harmony wept for almost twenty, but who was really counting? When at last Harmony regained her composure, she spoke and said the cutest thing I had ever heard her say. With a stuffed up nose and adorable accent, she uttered the following words "Can you please get me a tissue?" Just the way she looked as she relayed that sentence I could not even begin to describe. When I came back with a box of Kleenex, she smiled. I pulled out several of them and extended my hand to her. So graciously she gave me the saddest, most sincere smile I had ever seen. She then sat up crossing her legs Indian style. It was then I spoke. I just need you to know that this love, I feel for you. . . "Go on" she said in a gentle voice while running her sensuous brown fingers through my boyish hair. This love is forever, I exclaimed in an almost inaudible tone while falling into those dreamy eyes of hers and submersing myself in that blissful lake. So enchanting was she, so divine. I see girls and teachers every day, and I never think of kissing them. I never think of holding them or anything. You're the only person on the planet I want to be with. If not for you, I'd feel nothing. Rather than speak, she held my face in her warm seductive hands and seemed to be examining my heart. "If every man in this world had your little brain, we women would live in paradise." Suddenly she let go of my face and erupted in laughter. What's so funny? I asked, intrigued. "Men have little brains in little heads, but at least your little brain is in the right place!" *I didn't understand*

Suddenly, everything in the world was perfect!
She would teach me and I would learn.
She would show me and I would do.
And in a few short years when I finally come of age,
I will pop the question, and she will say yes!
Then the following year, I will ask for her hand in marriage!
And as God is my witness, I will treasure and adore her forever!
Forever till the end of time!!!

I thought I heard the wind blowing outside and
said to myself, there's a storm brewing on the horizon.
Oh you poor child, thought the winter raven to the moon
as his white eyes flickered. That is no ordinary storm. . .
That's Dark Monday.

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