The horseless carriage


John looks over at me like a disciple of academic knowledge
as a car slowed down and began to pull into the driveway.
It seems he too had been counting cards in the great void.

Armand now opening the front door lets Spade loose to go wandering
in old man Barton's yard with hopes that he'll do his business and return. Armand then proceeds to stumble into the house, as we follow the retriever across the street. John says "when he stops sniffing that's usually when makes." All at once, the dog stops sniffing and walks around in a circle. From there he gets into this awkward squat and Voila, he begins shitting. I look at John and say, check it out, he looks like he's sitting
on a mini toilet bowl! "It does" he screams out, and we began to laugh!

The dog quickly looked over at us with a gesture of disapproval before prancing into old man Barton's yard and disappearing.

Behind a group of shadowy trees, the dog simply vanished!

There was a loud sound, like that of a golf club cutting through a pile of leaves. I think he fell in a hole John! Oh my God!!! "Don't fuck around," said John displaying signs of panic. I'm serious, I think he went into a hole! "Oh shit," said John now running toward a black area. Be careful I said, but to my words, he would pay no heed. "Spade," he yells and the dog trotted most happily out of the old Southerner's yard, content in his own right. The way that dog looked at me at that very moment made my entire face crinkle! You strange looking magnanimous beast, I said to my four-legged friend, the same way I would have said it to that prairie dog, had I been with Lewis and Clark on that wonderful expedition of 1803.

From less than an ell's length he looked like he took form
from a charcoal briquette! In the light however, he had a faint
glimmer of grey in him for the lab was in his golden years.

As our eyes locked, Spade began to display his emotions
in such a gregarious manner, I feared he might stand
on his two hind legs and give a speech!

I then bent over and slowly pet him.

He then winked at me as if to say, I gave him a good scare back there, didn't I? I winked back at the old boy in recognition of the fact that
we understood each other completely, for we were now
on the same wavelength!

Ever get in that I asked John, pertaining to the old relic Mr. Barton had situated in the far corner of his yard. "No," he said "and don't even think about it; that was Barton's father's." An authentic original, never restored and never repaired top of the line horseless carriage. A Duryea, circa 1893.
Needless to say, in its present condition was only worth about 27¢ to scrap. I think I have to get in it. "Listen to me Charles, if he hears you,
he'll call the cops, and if the cops are called, my old man's gonna
kick the shit outta me. . . Then, I'm gonna have to kill you."

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Trust me, I said, when have I ever done anything that has ever
gotten us in trouble with the cops? "All right, but be careful."
You're not coming? "Pain in my fucking ass" he muttered
as we crept across old man Barton's lawn.

The dog, wanting absolutely nothing to do
with this madness, abandoned us immediately.

The way he moved hastily toward the house rather than following
at our heels should have been an indication for me stop dead in my tracks and follow him, who now had more sense than the both of us!

He should take better care of his stuff, I said upon looking at all the old buckets and barrels, Mr. Barton had lying around the yard. Propped up against the carriage were rows upon rows of air supply plenums just rusting away. John then grabs my shoulder and says, "This is a fucking disaster waiting to happen! It's a totally unwise, stupid thing to do. Just look at how unstable it is!" John must have seen it as it actually was, while I saw it as almost rideable. For whatever reason, I just kept staring at it. "Hop in," said John, "if you're gonna do it."

I then braced myself, swung in and swiftly sat down, but as I did this
the two passenger side wheels shattered under my weight and the
carriage immediately flipped over. I landed on my head to the
sound of what appeared to be tin falling from the sky!

John bolted from the yard taking no prisoners and wound up running faster than his own feet could carry him! One by one, the lights went
on in every house on the block. It was almost like I awoke the dead.
I heard old man Barton screaming and running toward me half naked.
I could not understand him for he sounded like an old scratchy throat mongoloid. I jumped to my feet with eyes well adjusted and made it
out of there in seconds flat! I don't even think he saw me.

Running into John's backyard, I quickly closed the door behind me.
"Get in here," he shouted in a loud whisper! I scurried up the wooden
stairs and into the house. John's shirt was torn up and his chest, bleeding. "I should punch the living shit out of you right now," he said. What the hell happened to you, I asked? "When that thing fell, I booked! Musta'
got caught on a root or something at the edge of the yard, and I flew across the street on my stomach. Burns like a bitch. Thanks a lot, dick!"

Armand was now outside talking to a group of angry neighbors,
while John's mom, Barbara, was coming down the staircase. As she
entered the kitchen, she says to us, what's going on out there? She then sees John's shirt. "What in God's name happened to you?" It's a long story. "Listen to me and listen good," she said calmly. "I was just awoken out of a very sound sleep. It sounded like a fuck-ing bomb
went off, so just tell me the truth, what the hell is going on?" No sooner
does she get the words off her tongue does Armand enter in through
the front door. They're gonna lynch somebody tonight, he said in
a worried tone as he wandered into the living room, dazed.

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I was now the town pariah, hiding out like a fugitive. According to Armand's statement, somebody said they "saw a figure" run into the backyard. As he rifled through the closet by the front door, he could
find nothing to go into the backyard with. Can you believe this, shouted Armand totally frustrated? "Oh I can believe almost anything tonight" shouted Barbara while darting her eyes, thus alerting John's dad to
the fact that a group of young hoodlums who were possibly
armed were now brooding in the backyard!

As Armand shuffled about in a state of duress, he scrambles
furiously to find something to protect himself and his family
with. Grabbing the first thing he could find he runs hastily in!

Between the expression on his face, and the weapon, he was
going to use to defend himself against a possibly armed killer
was perhaps the funniest thing, I ever seen in my life and could
in no way compose myself! Barbara then looked over at Armand
the same way Alice would have looked at Ralph when she said
to him, "what were you gonna do with that, dent his pride?"

"Maybe you should have walked in with a Polish joke!"

That was all it took. I immediately started to cough and laugh
at the same time and could not stop! *It was just an automatic
reflex action* What the hell is wrong with you? Why didn't you
just say these two were here? Are you crazy?! "Armand, why
don't you relax yourself!?" She then started to laugh.

"You could have at least taken the mace from the wall,
instead of running in here like Pee-wee Herman!!!"

He stood there with a dumb look on his face, ready to explode!

"And, you wanna know the best part about this whole thing?
I still don't know - what the fuck is going on here!"

All of a sudden, it must have lit up in Armand's mind that
his own son, and a friend, had just vandalized the house
next door and destroyed a piece of history in the process.

With that Armand drops the red hairbrush and slaps John with all
his might across the side of his head. "What the fuck da," John
protested? Do you want another one, shouted Armand? "Charles did it." "Give me a break," said Barbara, "you look like you've been fighting off wild boars!!!" "Tell them man, before I start breakin' things!" I thought about what I was going to say, and just when I was ready to speak, four police cars pull up outside with those blue and red lights turning. Whew,
I was saved, even though I was probably going to say he did it anyway!!!

You know what, said Armand, I don't even wanna know who did it. You're both fucked up, and tomorrow, we're all gonna have a nice
long talk about this. So keep quiet, stay put, and don't even think
of going near that window!

"Happy now," said Barbara to me and John. "Are you happy? You two fucks!" As she ascended the stairs leading back up to her room, her final words were, and I quote, "Why don't you two go out in the middle of the street and pretend you have guns? I'll get my camera. . ." (((SLAM)))

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